Currently selected: funny stories (page 1)

Yuengling update

Posted on: 29 Apr, 2010
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I know how much you all love kittens and photos of kittens, especially Yuengling since she is the best of all possible kittens. Here are a few more photos of her and more importantly a few super cute movies!

Yuengling Apr 2010

Yuengling Apr 2010

rubber heat water bag instructions

Posted on: 31 Jan, 2010
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I've been wanting a water bottle for a while now and I finally found one at the local pound shop this afternoon. Actually it was a pound + shop where everything costs 99p+ or less. This appears to mean that it has lots of random cheep stuff some of which costs more than 99p and some of which costs less. Anyway here are some of the instructions from the package several of which I found rather amusing:
1. Heat water bag is used in medical treatment health and common live to get warm.
Right off the bat you can tell we're off to a good start.
2. The water temperature that the heat water bag used should be around 90C. The water should not over 2/3 than the capacity of the heat water bag.
Clearly the Chinese translation of 'hot water bottle' is 'heat water bag'.
3. After filling water, must let the air in the heat water bag out and let the screw tight. Check if there is a leak water phenomenon.
That one is my favorite. Most of the sentences aren't even actual sentences but then they throw in a 4 syllable scientific word.
There are a few more rules after this like "let the heat watter bag a little far from baby" if a baby is using the hot water and especially about protecting the bag from sunlight shoots when the heat water bag is being stored or displayed. In fact "when the heat water bag is used or storage must avert it to be weight on or stabed, not touch sour, alkali, [and] oil". I'm not sure what would happen if you drank a glass of lemonade while warming yourself but I think I'll stick to milk in my tea while relaxing with my hot water bag just to be safe.

Jedi religion

Posted on: 20 Sep, 2009
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This isn't a funny story that I wrote but it cracked me up so I'm posting it anyway. It's about a kid who formed his own Jedi religion that required him to wear a hood at all times while in public. Apparently he was offended when he got kicked out of the supermarket which, not too surprisingly, has a policy of not letting punk teenagers with hoods roam around their stores. Here is the link. I especially like the bit at the end where the representative from Tesco points out that of all the Jedis in the Star Wars movies only the evil Emperor never removed his hood in public. Also "If Jedi walk around our stores with their hoods on, they'll miss lots of special offers."

single standard

Posted on: 14 Sep, 2009
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Me: I didn't get anything for my Dad for his birthday.
Kim: you are a bad daughter.
Me: But you never get anything for your Dad, you are a bad son.
Kim: No I'm not.
Me: That's a double standard.
Kim: Yup.
Me: Well half of all your standards are mine.
Kim: Well that makes it a single standard, what good is that?

a series of unfortunate events

Posted on: 4 Aug, 2009
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I missed lunch today and I worked late and when I finally left having accomplished not as much as I'd hoped I was tired and hungry and when I saw a bus that looked like the 21 I started running. I made it just in time and I was quite pleased with myself as I stepped on and sat down to read my book. I don't usually take the bus but since I was leaving so late and since Kim doesn't get home until late on Tuesdays anyway I felt I deserved it. You may have asked yourself "how exactly does a bus 'look' like the 21?" Well, it is red and double decker and has a number shaped like 21, 76 for example. I was reading my book and enjoying the un-crowdedness of the bus when suddenly we went around a sharp corner. There are no sharp corners between work and home. Unless you go via waterloo. On the 76. By the time I realized what had gone wrong there wasn't much I could do but get off and walk an even further distance than if I had just walked from work, which of course I wasn't about to do. So, I stayed on the bus and conveniently enough got off near my local yarn shop which happens to be open late on Tuesdays. I interrupted a scary book club but fortunately I got there just as it was breaking up and I only had to listen to a few minutes of some woman describing how she hates weddings so much that she broke up with her fianc? because they couldn't agree on which weddings to go to, including possibly their own. Then I managed to hop on a bus actually going the correct direction and when I got home I was feeling so pleased with myself that I accidentally gave away my iron. Well not accidentally really, but a child from next door knocked on the door and without really thinking I answered and I couldn't really deny having an iron (given how fabulously well dressed and wrinkle free I am) so I let her "borrow" it. We'll see how that turns out.

online shopping

Posted on: 8 Jun, 2009
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Kim's sister asked for a watch for her birthday that was analog, smallish and smooth (in case she hit her new baby with it accidentally) so we picked out this woman's watch on amazon thinking that it seemed to fit the general criteria.

watch 1

However we failed to read the small print to discover that it is rather larger than we were expecting.

watch 2

A watch this large really should have some special features like a built in milk frother or a homing beacon. It is quite comfortable though and in a pinch I could probably pop out the glass and use it to start a fire. Or something

hey!

Posted on: 26 May, 2009
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So I was spinning some yarn the other day and Kim and I were sharing a bit of chocolate as we sometimes do and he broke off a piece and handed it to me and then broke a piece off for himself and I happened to look up right as he was putting it in his mouth and his was twice as big as mine! So I said
"Hey, you have more than me!"
"Yes I always eat more than you, you never noticed?"
!!!!!